|megpie71 (megpie71) wrote,|
@ 2009-05-02 18:57:00
|Current mood:||twitchy as all hell|
WTF is up with me?
Okay, I suffer from depression. Okay, I'm unemployed. Okay, we're probably going to be losing the house at some unspecified future point, barring a miracle on the part of the bank. But really, do I absolutely have to be suffering from what feels like a world champion case of "meh" for the last three weeks or so?
At present I'm on nocturnal time - I sleep all day, wake up in the late afternoon or evening, and stay up all night, then lather, rinse, repeat. For some reason, it's easier for me to stay awake all night than it is for me to reset the cycle to diurnal, so I've been like this for the better part of a week. Part of me is as twitchy as all hell, because one of my regular responses to depression is a craving for new stimulus, which generally manifests as a strong desire to go shopping and spend large amounts of money on books, games and DVDs. Unfortunately, at present I don't have the required amounts of money, so I'm getting a bit squirrely about the whole business. One of my regular scheduled responses to a complete lack of money is to pretty much barricade myself in at home, and lock the world out, so I've been doing this for months now, and I think I've reached the point of cabin fever.
Either way, I'm as twitchy as all hell, and I'm starting to feel it manifest in a desire for excess. Part of me wants to go out and effectively splurge my last few dollars over the 'net; part of me wants to go on a comfort-eating binge (it'd be a bit cheaper, and I'd fill the void inside with something comforting); part of me wants to do something but it doesn't know what; and a big part of me just wants to get the fuck out of the house and go somewhere. This last is frustrating as it's Saturday night, I'm still in my sleeping gear (old out-of-shape t-shirt and leggings) and I know for a fact that the places which are open, such as pubs and clubs, either aren't my thing, or if I find a quiet-ish cafe somewhere, I'll need to spend money I don't have in order to purchase something. Then there's the standard inertia, which is basically saying that no matter what I want to do, it would require me to get up, get dressed and move out of my chair, and I'm finding myself curiously loath to do this.
Okay, I may as well start by getting dressed. That will at least put me in a position where finally getting fed up enough to head out the door is feasible, rather than laughable.