InsaneJournal

Current mood:

certifiably insane

Because my brain wouldn't let me alone...
I present the Dead Hojo Sketch (as originally conceptualised here, enlarged upon here, and then further detailed here)

Original concept from Monty Python's Flying Circus (if you don't know what that is, Google will be happy to tell you at great length). Presented here with the original character names intact. For full brain breaking impact, consider the shopkeeper role performed by a Shinra co lab tech, and the Praline role performed by any of the following: Rufus Shinra, Old Man Shinra, Sephiroth, Zack Fair.


A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this Hojo what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Nibelheim Maniac...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead Hojo when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable scientist, the Nibelheim Maniac, idn'it, ay? Beautiful experiments!
Mr. Praline: The experiments don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the trolley) 'Ello, Professor Hojo! I've got a lovely fresh biological specimen for you if you show...
(owner hits the trolley)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the trolley!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the trolley repeatedly) 'ELLO PROFESSOR!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes Hojo off the trolley and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead Hojo.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Nibelheim Maniacs stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That Hojo is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged gloat.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, Look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Nibelheim Maniac prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable scientist, id'nit, squire? Lovely experiments!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that Hojo when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting at its desk in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that scientist down, it would have nuzzled up to those ethical protocols, bent 'em apart, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this scientist wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This Hojo is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the desk 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-HOJO!!
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (Owner exits, to rummage around in the back room.) Sorry, guv, we're fresh out of Hojos.
Mr. Praline: I see, I get the picture!
Owner: We've got a Doctor Crescent in back, if you like?
Mr. Praline: Does it do deranged experiments with things the like of which mankind should not wot?
Owner: Uh, no. Says it's given 'em up.
Mr. Praline: Well, it's scarcely a replacement then!


I would like to take this opportunity to remind everyone I own a franchise which sells brain bleach.

Edited 11 AUG 08 - removed an extraneous paragraph tag which had snuck in from somewhere.