|megpie71 (megpie71) wrote,|
@ 2018-04-08 08:16:00
|Entry tags:||back to school again, doin' it rong: living, living with: depression, living with: mental illness, living with: my jerk-brain, looking for work, venting|
State of the Meg, 08 APR 2018
Warnings: frank discussion of depression, psychological land-mines, and coping strategy fail.
It's been an... interesting few months.
I'm loving my degree, enjoying it immensely. However, I've recently discovered no matter how much I enjoy something, this doesn't mean it makes me immune to the effects of over-work, stress and anxiety. So, this past week I had the realisation I've been in a depressive slump for the past month or so, and the low mood finally caught up with me. Task for the next few weeks: figure out how to fit in the extra study I'm required to do (both units this year ask for up to 10 hours per week of private study, which means I have to find 20 hours per week in order to be able to fit this in. Now, two hours per subject per day doesn't sound like much up front, but I'm discovering for me, it means I can either do the required study, or I can do the housework and the shopping and such, but I really have a lot of trouble with fitting in both.
This means I'm going to have to figure out how to fit everything in together in such a way that the house doesn't look as though a bomb hit it on a regular basis, and I'm still able to keep up my study.
A further complication is the nice people at my JobActive provider (I'm being euphemistic here) insist my first (and possibly only) priority has to be getting myself a job. Which, quite frankly, is a bloody nuisance, since at the moment a job is the last damn thing I need thrown into the mix, and it would probably be enough of a stressor to throw me into a full-on breakdown in no time flat. I've had enough breakdowns, thank you, I don't want another one.
(All of this is not helped by them disapproving very visibly of my choice of degree. I can just about hear the whole "what are you studying that for?" every time I mention it to them. They'd probably be far happier if I were studying commerce, accounting, programming, nursing, teaching, engineering - anything which came with a nice clear job label at the end of things. A double major in Literary and Cultural Studies and Creative Writing doesn't come with a nice clear job attached to it, so they don't know what to do with me. Given one of the larger and higher-calibre land mines in my head comes labelled "not living up to other people's expectations", this is a constant trigger for it every couple of weeks, which means I get to spend two weeks cleaning up the mental debris, and then get it triggered all over again. The phrase "not helping in the least" is definitely applicable here).
Which means at present I'm feeling very stressed, very overloaded, and very much like each morning I just want to crawl back into bed and let the world happen around me. The house looks like a bomb hit it, I haven't been cooking on a regular basis, and the garden is looking scrappy and messy and vacant. I'm seized with the want to do something about all of these things, but I've had it violently brought home to me in the past week if I try to do everything, I will quite rapidly wind up in a position where I'm not really capable of doing anything, due to mental and physical exhaustion.
I need to figure out how to balance all the things I'm expected to do (or more accurately, all the things I am expecting of myself) in such a way they're compatible with the levels of energy I have available to do them. Which means, I think, I'm going to have to do a bit of sitting down and figuring out exactly what it is I'm expecting of myself, and possibly why.
So, that's where I am at present. How's everyone else?
This entry was originally posted at https://megpie71.dreamwidth.org/116722.h